Today was my first day of college. It was pretty emotional all around. I’m just going to talk about it and vent.
I stayed in the hotel with my parents yesterday night because I knew it would make my mom feel better. And also because I didn’t have Internet or cable in my room yet.
So this morning we came back to my room and finished unpacking. I live on a mixed floor separated by a mini staircase. I had the misfortune of getting the one leftover room at the end of the boy’s hallway, so all of my neighbors are male and it makes walking to the shower more uncomfortable…
My parents and I walked around campus for a while and took a lot of pictures. We had lunch at the dining hall next to my dorm (which thank Jesus has the best quesadillas) and went to CVS to print some pictures for my dorm.
22 in total. They make me more and less homesick at the same time.
Then they left.
I really didn’t want to cry, but I did. A lot. It’s a weird feeling, knowing you’re all alone. As one of my friends said, it’s like I went on vacation with my family except they left me here and went home. I carried no friends to this school, so I really did feel like my dorm was my world (and I still kind of do).
My parents both left me with these touching words of wisdom:
Dad: You wanted this, and you got it. So be happy because you earned it.
Mom: Don’t let anyone make you feel like they’re better than you, because they’re not and you’re special too.
I cried for a solid half hour with my TV on to drown the sobbing. I didn’t know what to do, since I had nowhere to go.
It’s true that I don’t have any friends here from my old school, but I met 2 people online through the school’s Facebook page that seemed nice. They both called me today, and I have 2 different stories to tell.
K called me and asked me to go to a party. It was the freshman Beach Bash or whatever, and it sounded atrocious. She convinced me to go because she was all, “It’ll be great to make new friends and socialize!” And at the moment, I was desperate to make friends and stop being so alone, so I agreed to go.
When we got there, the line to get in (it was in a stadium) was at least half a mile long. She met up with 3 guy friends, which quickly turned into 5. Soon I was standing off to the side awkwardly on my phone while she talked to the 5 guys. I didn’t know situations like that actually happened, but I was the awkward… 7th wheel. We got in the damn place after like half an hour and it was basically a giant pizza party with a moon bounce and zumba. There were AT LEAST 1,000 people there and I was so scared and crowded I thought I was gonna throw up. Then the music started and it was so ear piercingly loud I thought I was going to pass out. When I looked back to her the number rose to 7 boys (all the time I was wondering — “Why the fuck doesn’t she have any female friends?”) I told her I was gonna go back to my dorm to shower while everyone was at the party.
It took me a loooong time to get back to my dorm. The campus is so friggin big, one of the biggest in the state (if not the largest). I had to download the Campus Map app and walk around staring at it, occasionally tapping the phone to make it look like I was actually talking to someone instead of being a noob.
I finally got back to my room, and as soon as I sat down I started crying again. I felt even more alone than I did before. When my mom called, she asked how I was doing. I could hear that she was crying. My brother had been texting me that she hasn’t stopped crying since they left, and I didn’t want to make her feel worse so I lied to my mother.
“I’m fine! I went to a party with K and played on a moon bounce and had pizza and dessert it was so much fun!”
After she hung up, I sunk into my bed and just sobbed. All I could think about was transferring to the school near home next year and getting far away from this place. Right before I was about to take a shower, I got a call from Facebook friend #2.
She asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with her and some friends. I told her I was painfully shy, but she said her friends are all shy too so we can all be shy together. Every fiber of my being told me to stay in my room, eat a microwave hamburger, take a shower and go straight to bed. That one, new, single strand of the college me said to go, so I went. I really, really, really need to make friends. I can’t be alone here.
I went down and she was there and her friends all seemed mild-mannered and sweet. We were talking and I found out that they all watch the same anime as me and they all drew and we all had similar hobbies and I actually felt at home. We went and got dinner together and ate together and talked, and it was the first time I felt at ease since my parents left.
I firmly believe that if I didn’t go with D tonight, I would be in bed crying right now. I guess for someone like me, college is all about taking chances. (The right kind of chances of course. Not like drugs or alcohol or anything.) I went out of my comfort zone for the second time in a day, and I feel so much happier than I would if I didn’t.
The shower of course was disgusting, that’s gonna take some getting used to. But I think I might be okay here. It was only the first day after all.