New Blog!

Hello friends~

As you should know, I’m pregnant. I decided I want to separate church and state — keep this blog for my opinions and views and certain life events and make another blog about motherhood. You can check it out here, though there’s not much to it yet at this point.

Just to update, I had a gender reveal party this past weekend with some close friends and family. My boyfriend and I filled a box with pink balloons, we took everyone to the field in the backyard, and opened the box to show everyone we’re expecting a baby girl. So exciting!

Beforehand, everyone was always asking me if I wanted a boy or a girl. Honestly I didn’t really care, though I had a slight bias because all of my symptoms showed I would have a girl and it turns out I am. (Low-to-normal appetite, forward sticking stomach, skin glow all show signs of pregnancy with a girl.)

I’ve been so relieved since the reveal. I found out the gender 3 weeks ago, and since then I had been having to tiptoe around pronouns which was PAINFULLY difficult. (I accidentally slipped a “she” or a “her” out and ruined it for 4 different friends… #shame)

Anyways, I hope you’ll check out my new blog and stick with my on my journey through parenthood. If not that’s cool too, you do you.

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The Break-down of this Breakdown

So today I am officially 17 weeks pregnant.

One more week until I’m halfway done, woo!

17

Damn I’m sexy.

In these 17 weeks (though really 11 because I found out when I was 6 weeks) I’ve had a lot of experiences and I’ve been asked a lot of questions. I’ve decided to take a little time to debrief y’all about some common misconceptions about pregnancy.

MYTH: Pregnant women have really fucking weird cravings.
“I hear some pregnant women eat dirt or like other things from nature.”
“Have you craved any weird combinations, like pickles and chocolate or something?”

You know so many people have asked me about pickles, I don’t understand I’ve never heard that before. The guy that asked me if I craved dirt was just a dumbass.

TRUTH: Most pregnant women don’t crave anything particularly strange. In fact, food aversions are probably more common. Sure, sometimes I’m in the mood for some foods, but it’s nothing stranger than what I wanted before I got pregnant. Like I don’t like foods that I didn’t like before. For some reason I want more soda than I did before, but that’s nothing fatal. Yeah I’m sure it probably happens to women out there, but it’s not common. And we most certainly don’t fucking forage for our meals.

My food aversions are mostly towards foods that are greasy or fried. Food aversions typically happen to stop women from eating foods that are bad for the infant, which is good, so they’re very productive. Sometimes it could happen towards foods that are totally harmless, like I couldn’t eat a baked ham the other day, but that’s still fine. They say that cravings happen because it’s what your baby needs, so think that food aversions are what your baby doesn’t need.

And they work strangely. Like literally, all I had to do was look at a greasy philly cheesesteak sub that I used to eat everyday from my university’s cafeteria and I was about to throw up. You don’t have to eat it or smell it or anything, all I had to do was look and it was enough to make me nauseous.

MYTH: Pregnant women can’t drink caffeine or eat sugary foods.
“You shouldn’t be drinking soda!”
“Is that ice cream really a good idea?”

Um, buddy, you need sugar to survive. And as far as caffeine goes, yeah, if you can stay away from it it’s probably for the better, but it’s not on the same level as alcohol.

TRUTH: The recommended allowance of caffeine intake per day for pregnant women 150 mg. If a woman can’t live without a morning coffee, then fine. Is it better if you can go without it? Yes. Will it hurt you or the baby if you have a little every now and then? No.

I read online today that some people think pregnant women can’t eat chocolate? In all the baby books I’ve read and all the doctors I’ve consulted, that has never even once come up. Yes, you should moderate how much chocolate you eat (but that can really be said about everyday life). This is especially for pregnant women because pregnant women are at higher risk for gestational diabetes.

MYTH: Pregnant women shouldn’t move around too much or exert too much effort.
“You should be sitting! Here, take my seat. Don’t push yourself.”
“Why would you go hiking? You should be relaxing in bed!”

TRUTH: Pregnant women MUST exercise and move around as much as they can stand to without getting winded or uncomfortable. Women are only supposed to gain about 20-30 pounds during their pregnancies. Women that are stagnant during pregnancy are more likely to have more difficult deliveries and problems during their pregnancies. 30 minutes of exercise a day is typically recommended, though as the pregnancy progresses the difficulty or the workouts should decrease.

When some of my friends first found out I was pregnant, they stopped asking me to go out with them because they didn’t want me to trouble myself too much. It really did have the opposite effect.

MYTH: Morning sickness happens in the morning.

TRUTH: Morning sickness is horribly misnamed and hits you at every time of the day and it’s horrible and it’s disgusting and it’s uncomfortable. It’s most common in the morning because when you wake up the stomach acids have been sitting there doing nothing except waiting for you to wake up so they can ruin your life, which is why it’s recommended pregnant women eat either a small snack before bed or eat something before getting up in the morning. And by before getting up, I mean literally leave a box of cereal or crackers next to the bed and shove it in before sitting up.

It usually only lasts during the first trimester and potentially comes back less severely in the third, but some women have it throughout. I’m in the middle of my second trimester and I still vomit occasionally.

MYTH: Pregnant women are “eating for 2”.
“It’s okay if you eat more, you’re eating for 2.”
“You’re so lucky you can pretty much eat whatever you want now right?”

TRUTH: Yes, technically, I am “eating for 2”. Some people take this advice too literally, and assume that means I have to literally double my intake. I’m gonna go ahead and tell you that by no means should any pregnant woman be consuming 5,000 calories in a day.

In the first trimester, my baby was roughly the size of a grape and graduated to the size of a kiwi. Does something that small really need a 2,500 calorie diet? NOPE. Now it’s about the size of an avocado. A little bigger, but still, NOPE. A woman’s intake should increase by approximately 100 calories in the first semester, 350 in the second, and 500 in the third. Fetuses really don’t need that much more food tbh. 100 calories is just a cup of yogurt.

 

~ Moving on ~

 

Welp, that’s all the myths I can think of at the moment. But I’m happy to share my other experiences and symptoms.

  1. My boobs are getting a lot bigger, and it’s irritating as hell. The people that tell me I’m “lucky” have been extremely insensitive. My breasts are extremely veiny, my nipples look like they’re about to explode, and I’ve pretty much outgrown all of my bras. My boobs ache all the time and they’re so itchy, and I used to love laying down on my stomach but now it just hurts so bad (besides the fact that there’s a baby pushing into me if I even attempt to lay on my tummy).
  2. I just plain ache. All over. My back hurts all the time, my neck and shoulders are killing me, and my feet and legs hurt and possibly start to swell if I’ve been on my feet too long. I pretty much sit around in my free time massaging myself because my body feels like it’s breaking down.
  3. My feet are pretty much always swollen and they hurt a lot. I’ve outgrown a lot of my shoes so wearing anything but flip flops kills my feet in a matter of minutes.
  4. I’ve outgrown pretty much all of my clothes already. Normally I’m a relatively thin-ish person, and I generally wear form fitting clothing. I’ve already had to dip into maternity clothing and it feels like a dream I swear it’s soft and stretchy and cozy I would wear this stuff even after I deliver.
  5. I have so many allergies on top of eczema, but I can’t take my normal medicine anymore. If my skin starts to swell because of my eczema, I literally just have to tough it out. If I scratch myself in my sleep until I start bleeding, I have to just let it happen. My medications aren’t safe for the baby because they get absorbed into my blood stream and sent to the baby. I can take a few things like Benadryl or Tylenol, but that’s about it, and it doesn’t particularly help much.
  6. I have horrible chest pains and trouble breathing, especially when I try to sleep. It’s hard to fall asleep because as I start to drift away, I can feel my heartbeat more clearly, and it’s beating a lot faster than usual because my body is circulating approximately 20% more blood than usual (which is a lot). It feels like my chest is tightening up, then suddenly I’m short of breath and I have to sit up with my back against the wall and take deep breaths until it passes. A lot of times this process makes me nauseous, and I end up having to run to the bathroom to vomit.
  7. I have no bladder control anymore. If I drink a cup of water, I’ll pee like 3 or 4 times within the next hour.
  8. Constipation. Like, extreme constipation. Before I talked to a doctor, I seriously went like every other day without doing my business, which is EXTREMELY unhealthy. Plus it would add to the nausea and vomiting, because what goes in must find a way to come out.
  9. Short term memory loss. Apparently pregnant women are very forgetful, because for some reason during pregnancy the brain cell mass drastically decreases. I read about it but I can’t for the life of me remember why it happens (dammit, memory loss). It seriously takes me 3 times as long to write a blog post because I keep forgetting what I’m trying to say and which direction I’m trying to lead the post in.
  10. I no longer walk, I waddle. This is apparently because my center of gravity has shifted, and instead of walking to protect myself, the primitive waddle offers more protection for the baby. For some reason.
  11. HEAT FLASHES. I am so hot all of the time (both temperature hot and attractive hot holla). If it’s 70 degrees outside, it’ll feel like 80 or 90 to me. I have to sleep with 2 fans going full blast in my room or it’ll feel like I’m going to burst into flames. Like today I went to a fair with my friends and it was 80 degrees outside, but it felt like I was walking through the gates of hell.
  12. Gas… Increased gas… This one is self explanatory, I don’t think much more detail is required.
  13. My stomach isn’t the only thing that’s getting bigger. It looks like pounds are just being slapped on to different parts of my body. For some reason I can’t even wear the ring I’ve worn everyday for nearly 2 years, it just won’t fit anymore. My ass is huge and I swear my face is getting rounder. Not to mention my legs jiggle way more than they used to; when I walk I can feel them starting a fire down there.
  14. Extreme fatigue. The fatigue was supposed to wear off after the first trimester, but for some reason I still find myself napping an extra 2-4 hours a day.

Just the other day I felt my baby move for the first time. It was weird as fuck. Like, it felt like something had just turned over and situated itself in my stomach. It was scary and strange, but it was magical and beautiful at the same time, and I can’t wait to feel those first little kicks and punches.

If there are any other questions you have, feel free to ask! If there’s anything in my TRUTH sections that you know to be incorrect, let me know so I can fix it! I am in no way an expert, and I simply wrote this to rebuttal common myths and misconceptions. All the facts I told can easily be found online or in any baby book. Also take note that every pregnancy is different, so what’s normal for one person could be completely different for another!

“They say, when it’s all over, you forget the whole thing. And I for one hope that’s true.” -What To Expect When You’re Expecting

Amen.

Kicked Down on the Road Less Traveled

The other day I went to visit one of my favorite teachers from high school. He looked at me and gave me a hug and asked how I was doing, and he said, “How is your gestation going?”

Of course I expected this question. And I told him I was doing good, and he smiled and I could see that he was trying to look happy for me, but I could also see the worry in his eyes and the care he took in choosing his words.

“I’ve been keeping track of you on Facebook, just making sure you’re okay.”
“It seems like you have a strong family and friend support network, that’s really good. I’m happy to hear.”
“I’m sure you’re going to miss life up there at Tech, but you can always visit and maybe go back one day right?”
“You’re a very smart and sweet girl, I know you can succeed.”

These are all common questions and statements and I appreciate the concern, but it’s all just subtle ways of trying to comfort me and trying to comfort himself. I’ve been getting this from everyone.

Then he asked, “Do you remember the poem we read in class? ‘The Road Not Taken’?”

Of course I did.

“This is you taking the road less traveled by, and it will make all the difference, and it could be a good thing. Maybe it could be the best thing that’s ever happened.”

It was funny; he’s a very intelligent guy, I kind of anticipated he’d bring some form of poetry or history into the conversation at some point.

I loved that he did. I loved how he was trying to be encouraging and I loved that he smiled when he looked at me. But it’s all the same.

I have friends that look at me with smiles on their faces yet their eyes are downcast. I’ve heard, “You’re a very smart girl, you can do this” so many times that if I had a dollar for every time someone said it, I could send my kid to college. It’s come to the point where it almost feels like they’re not trying to reassure me as much as they’re trying to reassure themselves.

The other day I was having a conversation with my friend. He was talking about his college problems, then suddenly he goes, “Oh, I feel insensitive talking about my problems when yours are so much more severe.”

Um, thanks?

And I’ve gotten this multiple times! Friends talking about their problems, then looking at me and going, “Oh, but yeah I know you have things worse sorry for complaining.”

And it just kind of, you know, hurts.

Like, damn.

I’m doing my best to be as happy and positive about this as I can. I know I’m a smart girl. I know I’m capable of raising this child at a young age and I know I will still live a good life. I know that I got problems, but it’s just kind of irritating when people bring them up all the time, especially the assumed severity of them.

“Yeah, college loans are killing me. But I know that’s nothing compared to the cost of a baby.”
“Yeah, I’m worried college isn’t working out. My grades were so bad I’m worried I’ll get on academic probation… Oh, but you had to drop out right? What will you do about school? I feel bad for talking about this when I’m still in school.”

God, talk about kicking someone while they’re down.

I love my friends. I love that they’re so supportive and caring. But I wish they’d stop looking at me and talking to me like I’m wounded, because sometimes they make me believe that I really am. And I am strong and I am fierce and I am brilliant, but I can only take so much with everyone beating me down, no matter how subtly it’s happening.

I know this is a hard situation, for everyone involved. No one ever saw this coming. None of my friends know anyone in a similar situation, so no one knows how to handle it. Everyone’s trying to tiptoe around me because they don’t want to risk stumbling over and falling on me and crushing my spirit.

What I want is for my friends to be genuinely happy for me. And I know that they’re supportive and I know that they love me and I know that they’ll do whatever they can to help, but I just don’t want these vibes of, “Watch what you say around her, you don’t want to kick her while she’s down.” Oh the irony.

All I want is for people to stop looking at me as if I’ve gone down the wrong path, when really I’ve just gone down the one different from their own.

Life Is Hard

As I mentioned in my previous posts, I am an expecting mother.

I thought it would be hard, but for some reason I didn’t think it would be this hard.

It all started when I checked my final grades for the semester this morning *sobs*.

I got two 79% grades. No.

My immediate thought flashed back to when I first found out I was pregnant. That was the day before I had 2 exams in those classes. Talk about inconvenient. So obviously I couldn’t study because my head wasn’t in it, and the following, oh I don’t know, probably month or so I was an emotional wreck because I just found out I was going to be a teen mother and drop out of school for an unknown period of time to raise a child.

I couldn’t help thinking, “If I had waited to take the test or if I had only taken it earlier, then I wouldn’t have been in that state of shock and devastation, and I could have not failed those tests and had enough to get solid B’s instead of those fucking teases of grades.”

A lot of my friends are over-achievers and they would’ve been devastated with their grades too, but I’m especially tormented by these percentages because unlike them, I don’t know where I’ll go next year. I have to transfer to the school nearby because I can’t have a baby and raise it by myself at my college when it’s a 4 hour drive away. I ended my freshman year with a 2.6 GPA and to be quite honest things aren’t looking good about getting into the close-by university.

The second thing that drove me into panic was when I was trying to find a part-time job. Of course I think future employers would cut me a little slack if I don’t do anything this summer since I’m physically limited, but I just feel like I should take some responsibility and do something. All the jobs I want because they would help with my major (aka childcare related jobs) would be bad because I can’t watch kids when I’m nauseous and tired all the time. I don’t even think I could do a simple retail job because it’s not healthy for me to be on my feet for long periods of time, but I know how demanding retail is. At this point I don’t think there are jobs I can take without any repercussions, and it makes me feel awful.

At the same time, this gives me great(er) respect for single moms that had to do this all on their own. For those girls that got pregnant and didn’t have overwhelming family and friend support like I have right now, that had to work through hell and back and do their best to support their child. I imagine these women doing minimum-wage shit jobs while their legs swell and their back breaks, that have kids waiting for them to come home. I sit here complaining, while my parents are insisting I stay home and relax to have a smooth gestation, and they’re even signing me up for birthing classes and prenatal yoga. Teenage pregnancy doesn’t get any easier than this tbh.

On one hand I feel truly ungrateful for what I have, but on another I just feel… spoiled. I feel like I’m not suffering enough for this.

Then on another hand, I’m angry that that has to be in my mind. You see all these horror stories on TV about girls getting kicked out of their homes by their families and abandoned by their boyfriends and are forced to work multiple jobs to support a family they weren’t ready for. But why? Why is teenage pregnancy the biggest shame? People preach peace and tolerance but they don’t practice it. Once I even got an, “I hope you don’t abort it” from someone. Literally all I did was tell them that I was pregnant, and they threw that at me.

This is a hard situation for me. This is a stressful time in my life, and it’s not going to get better any time soon. I guess all I can do is hold my head high and roll with what life deals me.

Where Am I?

As of right now, I am 10 weeks and 5 days pregnant. All my books and websites say at this point my baby is the size of a kumquat, but I have no idea what the hell that is. [UPDATE: I googled it. Never had one, but they’re adorable. They’re like grape-sized oranges.]

The other week, I went to my first gynecology appointment. As I was sitting in the waiting room, I looked around and really noticed who I was surrounded by. To my left, a woman exhausted trying to keep a toddler sitting still with one hand on his shirt and the other on her protruding stomach. To my right, a gorgeous woman with a real pregnant glow — the kind you hear about in magazines and in movies — wearing a beautiful pink floral sundress and wearing 3 inch heels despite the fact that she looked about ready to pop. Looked probably in her late 20’s. Behind me, a woman with her husband holding hands while their two children sit across from them sharing a bag of chips. In a back corner, a woman that pulled out a huge blanket and spread it on the floor and put her baby on it, then proceeded to pour out at least 10 different toys onto her child.

No matter who I looked at, I noticed something they all had in common: They were much older than me.

There I sat, a little 18 year old in a neon pink raincoat and a Hello Kitty hat, 9 weeks pregnant with no idea what I’m doing. I felt a sense of shame, and panic.

I remembered at the beginning of last school year, I heard that this girl I’ve been going to school with since middle school got pregnant and had a baby. I thought, “Wow, how awful. Poor thing, life is gonna be so hard for her.” You know, all the stereotypical things to worry about and question for a pregnant teenager. And then I felt bad, realizing that now, hey, here I am.

After my exam, they gave me an bag full of pamphlets and information about being a first-time mom with some information about support groups for teenage moms. I had about another hour in the waiting room while I waited for my friend to pick me up, and I started reading some things when I noticed another girl come out of the office holding the same bag as me. She couldn’t have been much older than me, definitely had the feel of a student. She was wearing one of our school shirts.

That’s when I remembered. Soon after I found out, I actually (very awkwardly) messaged the girl I knew that got pregnant on Facebook and told her my situation and asked if she had any advice. And I’ll never forget what she said.

“Relax. You aren’t the first, and you won’t be the last.”

Which is 100000000000000000000000000000% true.

There are resources out there. There are friends and family. I am in no way alone. I can do this.

When I started college, I was asking myself what my legacy would be. What would I be remembered for from my peers?

I’ve always been “that quiet kid.” That “weird girl that doesn’t really say much.” “A little awkward.”

Never in my life have I wanted to be, “That girl that got pregnant in school.”

Of course I can’t decide my own legacy, but here’s what I want it to be:

That girl that got pregnant freshman year of college, and she had a beautiful baby and she finished school and now she has a successful career and a beautiful family.

Look out world, because that’s going to be me. Because I’m strong, and that’s exactly how I’m going to raise my child. No one will look down on us.

The “A” Word

In my last post, I announced that I am pregnant.

It’s been 2 weeks later, and I’m here to say that I’ve resolved to keep it.

Image

My baby at 7 weeks and 5 days.

I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and crying over these past 2 weeks. The word I’ve been hearing over and over is “abortion”. When I first told my parents, they strongly urged me to get an abortion, saying I’m not ready for this and I can’t give up my future and my education for this. A lot of my friends also recommended I abort mission, though they weren’t as insistent, saying that it’d be “easier” that way.

Yes, on the outside, to everyone else, it would probably be “easier” if I aborted. I could stay in my university, I could sleep through the night in peace, I wouldn’t have to worry about relocating or having the pressures of being a young mother or lose time and energy and miss out on college student things like the junior dance or beach week or all those things. But on the inside, I’d be a wreck. Everyone else may be able to forget, but I never would. As I mentioned in my last post, I have horrible depression and anxiety. Though I am very pro-choice and I know that making the choice would not in any way be murder, I just can’t bring myself to get an abortion. I believe that if I did, I would feel horrible guilt, and I would never be able to fully enjoy any future children I may conceive.

At this point, I believe I would much rather go through the stresses of being a young mother taking her time getting through school than the stress of having an abortion. In my opinion, this child could even save my life. How can I kill myself when I know I have this little person depending on me?  How could I kill myself thinking that my child would have to grow up finding out what happened to me, and maybe even blaming itself for it?

So this week on my college campus there have been pro-life protests. But not like any I’ve ever heard of before. People came and put up giant pictures of dead and mangled baby bodies all over the main parts of campus, claiming that it was a “genocide awareness project”. They had posters all over campus saying, “Your mother chose life, and so should you.”

Now hold the fucking phone.

My mom was 29 when she got pregnant. I am 18.
My mom had already graduated from college. I am a freshman.
My mom had a job and a fiancee and they were both financially stable. I’ve never worked a day in my life.
My mom was at the right age and was emotionally ready to have a child. I am not.

These pro-life people don’t care what happens to me or my future child. They don’t care if I end up homeless with a malnourished child living on a cardboard box in the middle of downtown DC. They wouldn’t care, in fact they would even blame me.

(Of course these things aren’t going to happen to me, but it does happen to people. I’m extremely fortunate to have supportive and financially well-off parents.)

And another things. Those “pro-life” protesters’ pictures were all HORRIBLY mislabeled. They showed pictures of whole, developed babies that were bloody and disfigured and mangled, yet they were labeled as first trimester babies or coat-hanger abortions. There is no way in hell those were anything before the late second trimester. I’m positive that the images that were being shown were either miscarriages or third trimester abortions. Which is another issue in itself. Because you see, if they knew anything that they were talking about, it is illegal to have a third trimester abortion anywhere in America. Even a second trimester one is a no-go. The only way they would abort that late is if there was a medical complication, and either the life of the mother or the baby was in danger. That means that those pictures were of babies whose mothers actually wanted them but weren’t physically able to. It means that those “protesters” were abusing those families’ traumas to make a falsified point. I don’t care what you stand for, but I cannot stand for lies.

PLUS, the medical definition of “life” isn’t a heartbeat, it’s an EEG (brain signals) which fetuses don’t have. Dumbasses.

(Dramatically moving onto a happier note)

When I went in for my ultrasound, thing suddenly got even more real for me than they already were. I saw the life that is growing inside me. I saw it’s cute little poppy-seed sized heart. I heard the sound of it’s cute little heartbeat (160 BPM going strong woot woot!)

I know that I want this child. I can only hope that the future will be kind to me and my child. All I can do now is my best.

18 and Pregnant

I’ve known for weeks now. I knew before I took the test that it would come out positive.

My boyfriend came to spend Valentine’s Day weekend with me. As a surprise, I got a Plan B pill so we could forsake the condoms for the night. 95% effective. 5% ineffective.

No matter the circumstances, here we are. Here I am. Here it is.

I knew the moment my period was late that this was why. The nausea, the extreme fatigue, the cramping, the food aversions and cravings, the breast tenderness, the dizziness, everything.

Of course my immediate thought was, “What am I going to do?” I’m 18. I have no job, and I don’t know if anyone will hire a pregnant teenager. Abortion is the obvious choice.

This is my conflict.

I have always been pro-choice. What a woman does with her body is her choice. If you want an abortion, I think you should be able to get one. My dilemma doesn’t stem from whether I can get one, but whether I want one. I always thought that if I got pregnant before I was out of college, I wouldn’t hesitate to get an abortion. But now that it’s here, and now that it’s actually happening, I find it hard to make a concrete decision.

To abort

To abort is the obvious answer, or at least that’s what everyone is telling me. But my question is, obvious to who? Obvious for what? People always say that having a baby at this age will ruin your life. That my education would suffer and I wouldn’t be able to live a good life. But why does it have to be that way? Yes, if I abort then I will be able to continue my college education and my young adult social life the way they are, “as if this never happened,” as someone said today. But it wouldn’t be like that. Because I’ll always know, and I’ll always feel regret. I’m currently seeing a therapist for severe clinical depression, and I feel an abortion would push me beyond my limits. Yes I’d be able to stay at school, but at what cost?

To keep

The unpopular social opinion. I think in no way will having this child “ruin my life”. I definitely think it will put some plans on halt, but who says that’s the most terrible thing? When people think of teenage pregnancy, they think of the horror stories. The girls getting kicked out of their homes forced to work jobs they hate to raise children they couldn’t afford to begin with. But it doesn’t have to be that way. My family is arguably well-off, and I’m Filipino. Filipinos have a very, very, very strong sense of family. A handful of my cousins have actually had babies at young ages out of wed-lock, and they’re very happy with their lives and their families right now. People have told me that it’s possible to take a semester or a year off school and come back. I see no way that this child will “ruin” my life, merely begin a new one in a new way.

One of the biggest factors that’s influencing my decision is a conversation I had with my mom before, when I first started therapy. I told her about the extent of my depression, and my suicidal tendencies. She confessed to me that I took them from her. She said that she used to be the same way, but things changed when she had children. It was like suddenly she wasn’t living for herself anymore, she was living for me and my brother. I believe this could happen for me. I believe things may go the other way if I have an abortion.

I still have time to make a decision. This child was conceived on Valentine’s Day, which means at this rate it’s probably only a month or so. Nothing is written in stone.

I never thought I’d ever be in this situation. I never thought I’d be “that girl”. But here we are. Here I am. Here it is.

Here it comes.