Everytime We Touch


*This post contains material of a sexual nature.

When I was younger, I only had the media to teach me about relationships and sex. My parents never talked about it. I don’t think I had a friend with a boyfriend until I was 13 or 14.

The media always portrays boys as perpetually hungry for sex. Ready for it anytime, anywhere. Wanting it all the time, everywhere. That’s why I was so surprised about my sex life.

My first sexual encounter with my boyfriend was a little awkward. I initiated it, and he was kind of shy and embarrassed the whole time. Afterwards he thanked me for what I gave to him, and I never quite knew what that was, but I think it was just for his first sexual experience. For the record, he also thanked me for our first kiss.

The media never prepared me for him.

My boyfriend has never once asked me for sex. He’s never once asked me if we could do it. I have.

He usually reads situations. If we start to kiss and get a little feely, I’ll make sure it’s 100% clear that it’s go-time. He’s never pressured me. He always makes sure I’m 100% comfortable with everything we do. He was also willing to reclaim abstinence after a certain talk we had before, but I wasn’t a fan of that.

What touches me the most is that one time I asked him what his favorite part of sex is, and his answer was, “When we’re together afterwards.”

His favorite part of sex is the afterglow. He likes the cuddling, and the laughing, and the kissing. He likes just laying there with me naked, holding me with no other intentions. He loves laying down next to me and looking me in the eyes, and kissing my forehead and just hearing my heavy breathing.

I’ve asked him this question over and over again, and it’s always the same.

I can’t blame him.

I can see why people like hooking up, and the excitement of a one night stand. But I think the warm and comforting feeling of an afterglow with someone you love is beyond compare.

You lie there together, half breathless. Your hormones are rushing and your head is in another place: you’re euphoric. Then suddenly their touch bring you back to earth. You feel their lips against one cheek and then the other. Then on your forehead, your nose, and finally your lips. You lie on their chest, and hear the fast pace of their heartbeat. Your heavy breathing soon synchronizes, and slows together as you begin to relax. You might small talk and laugh, you might be thinking of getting in the shower together to cool off. But mostly you take comfort in their warmth. Just being there together, feeling each other’s presence, looking into each other’s eyes. The feeling you get is just as good as the sex.

I don’t know what I ever did to deserve such a good boyfriend. “Good” doesn’t do him justice. He’s just the kind of guy that has a warmth and a sincerity that I wish for all of my friends, and especially my daughter.

Ember, if you ever read this, first of all sorry you read about your parents having sex. And second, I hope you one day find a man (or a woman) as loving as your father is.


Sexualizing My Sexuality

This is something that has irritated me for quite a while.

Let me start by saying I am bisexual. I am physically attracted to both men and women. I would have sex with a man or a woman (provided love came first). I could be seen as straight or lesbian in the right circumstances, but when it comes down to it, I am bi.

All of my friends don’t mind, and I think that’s great. But some of them “don’t mind” for the wrong reasons.

“That’s hot!”

I get this all the time. Oh, but my favorite:

“Your boyfriend doesn’t know how lucky he is to have a girl like you.”

[Actual quote from a friend of mine.]

My sexuality is being sexualized.

I get these comments from most of my guy friends. They talk of three-ways and crazy college lesbian experiences. They call my boyfriend a lucky sonnovabitch for having a girlfriend that’s bi, because I’d be willing to have a three-way, or more.

I most certainly am not.

I’m bi. That does NOT mean promiscuous. It does NOT mean slutty. It does NOT mean a slave to mine or anyone else’s sexual appetite. It does NOT imply anything about me or my personality. It DOES tell you that I like boys, and I like girls.

But I have a boyfriend.

I’ve been in a loving relationship for 2 and a half years now. I don’t want to be with anyone else but my boyfriend. I don’t want to have sex with anyone other than my boyfriend. I don’t want to do anything some of my guy friends think I should just because I’m bi.

And another thing. Guys think it’s hot when a girl is bi, but what about when a boy is? Then he becomes, as the same friend mentioned earlier put it, a fag. (I cringed just typing the letters.) Men think bi women are attractive because it opens the possibility of being with multiple women at once. For some reason, in the eyes of my naive acquaintances, a bi woman will have any kind of sex, because she is sexually attracted to everyone…?

I honestly cannot even process where they got these notions from. I don’t have that level of brain degeneration.

I don’t know. I usually try to make examples and connections in my posts, but I’m just too dumbfounded and downright pissed at this topic to be able to form coherent sentences. I can’t even think of good examples to put it into context, because this is just so nonsensical to me.

How people have / how I want people to react when they find out:

  • Cool
  • -nods of acknowledgment-
  • Oh that’s cool, I didn’t know!
  • To each their own
  • I kinda figured
  • ???????

How people have and how I never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER want people to react:

  • That’s hot!
  • Have you ever/would you have a three-way?
  • Which one are you right now?
  • Attention whore

Unfortunately the list goes on. Hopefully you see the difference though, right?

*This post is subject to editing. I’m pretty tired and I can’t think of much else to say, but I do feel like posting. Just because. In case anyone wants to give me ideas.

Let’s Talk About Sex (aww right)

If anyone’s seen the movie Pitch Perfect, I thought of the title of this post the way Bumper sang it during the riff-off… Okay then.

One problem has been bothering me for a very long time:

“If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs, who will eat it.”

“Don’t have sex, you will get pregnant and die.”

Well those weren’t very good examples from Family Guy or Mean Girls, but you get the idea. Schools (and ((religious)) society in general) are purposely trying to scare kids (adolescents), or feed them lies, to prevent them from having [premarital] sex.

Let me say this: It won’t work. With sex being so over-glorified in every form of media, and being open with your sex life is almost encouraged in this day and age, there’s no way to stop kids that want to.

Here’s what happened at my friend’s school:

During their Family Life Education unit, their teacher asked for a volunteer. A girl was called up, and the teacher put a ring on the traditional wedding finger. The teacher said, “Many of you want to get married right? If you have premarital sex, here’s what will happen.” And she took the ring off, heavily implying that premarital sex will prevent future marriage, also implying that you will become “tainted” and “impure”. The lady didn’t talk about contraception either. Apparently she just discussed how babies happen, and alternatives to sex. Contraceptives were mentioned, but not in detail.

Sigh. Luckily for me, my school isn’t that bad. We discussed the different kinds of contraceptives and they emphasized that if we’re going to have sex, to use protection. Of course they also emphasized that abstinence is the only fool proof method to prevent pregnancy and STI contraction, but you know, that’s just a fact.

Other school’s, like my friend’s, aren’t as fortunate. Schools and society are using scare tactics to try and prevent premarital sex, largely for religious reasons. (Though there are un-religious reasons, such as unwanted pregnancies.)

I’ll say this: Sex is great. It feels awesome. And contrary to popular belief, premarital sex won’t damn you to a life of misery and woe.

Reasons To Have Premarital Sex:

  • It feels great
  • You and your partner trust each other
  • You are emotionally prepared
  • You just want to (It’s natural, and there shall be no slut-shaming in a one-night stand my darlings)

Reasons NOT To Have Premarital Sex:

  • You’re getting peer-pressured
  • You think everyone else is doing it
  • You think you’ll lose your significant other if you don’t

Now let me tell you some things about sex that the schools probably don’t mention *(things might get graphic):

FALSE – The Morning-After pill makes you feel like shit.
Yes, I had to take one. Accidents happen. I was beyond scared because I learned in school that it forced heavy bleeding for at least a week and it made all your worse symptoms hit you times 10. Well, none of that happened. I felt completely normal. I even called Planned Parenthood to make sure everything was okay, and they said that most women who take the pill experience little to no side-effects. I had spotting for 2 days, but besides that, I felt perfectly normal.

TRUE – Use a condom during sex. ALL types of sex.
Something that’s not really spoken about is anal sex. Up the butt. For some reason many teenagers think this is the way to stay abstinent/virginal? Dumbasses. Many believe that you don’t need a condom during anal sex, but you do. If you don’t really know your partner, there could still be STI contraction. But also, semen wasn’t designed to go up the butt, you know? The mixing of butt stuff and semen could lead to infection. Also, anything up the butt (not just a penis, I don’t know what you guys are into) could lead to tearing of the tissues in the anus, so lots of lube is always required for butt stuff. NOTE: Do NOT use anything other than lubricant as lubricant. Things like Vaseline or lotions make condoms less effective and were not designed for sexual purposes. STIs can also be contracted from oral sex. If you don’t really trust trust your partner, use some form of protection. If it’s a girl, consider using your fingers instead. If it’s a guy, use a condom instead. Flavored condoms were made specifically for that purpose. Be safe my friends.

TRUE – The first time hurts.
Maybe not for guys, but for ladies. To be honest, the first time kind of feels like having sand paper rubbed all up in your lady bit. After a while, the natural function of your lady bit will make you wet and ease things up, but yes, the first few times will come with a pinch. (It gets better.)

FALSE – One-night Stands are shameful and put you on slut status.
WHAT DID I SAY EARLIER? THERE WILL BE NO SLUT SHAMING. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sleeping with someone one time and not having anything to do with them later. Sure it doesn’t sound pretty, but there’s nothing wrong with it, okay? Sex is a natural thing. Sometimes you just need it. And if you don’t want to wait a couple months or a couple years to find Mr/Ms Right, then find some decent looking stranger that wants to bang you and have a completely protected night of fun. I see nothing shameful in it, as long as it takes place between two (or more, I don’t know how you get down) consenting parties.

TRUE – Abstinence is the only fool-proof method.
No one wants to contract an STI or have an unwanted pregnancy. There is no 100% method that will prevent either. Yes, condoms are only 98% effective. When you think that it means that they’re 2% ineffective, you could feel panic. But know that many, many, many people use condoms all the time and have been using them for years, and it hasn’t been a problem for most. If you’re really scared of pregnancy, consider combining condoms with a spermicide, or the birth-control pill. (NOTE: Avoid condoms with built-in spermicide because they’re less effective.) If absolutely worse comes to worse, there is the morning-after pill, but it’s very expensive (in the ballpark of $50-60) and should ONLY be used as an absolute last resort. It is by no means okay to use as a regular form of contraception because it f*cks up your hormones for like a month. There are also female condoms, etc etc. There are also tube-tying and tube-cutting, and vasectomies, but the primary target of this post is teenagers so I don’t think anyone will be needing those soon. Remember: Wrap it before you tap it.

FALSE – Crazy sex positions are demeaning and glorified by the porn industries.
There are a lot of moves such as facials, doggy-style, anal, etc that many claim to be for purely male pleasure and are meant to be unemotional — and degrading to the receiving partner. Newsflash: Some women take great pleasure from anal sex. And doggy-style (it just feels different). And all those other moves. Like I said earlier, as long as you’re COMFORTABLE and you CONSENT to the actions, then it’s okay. If anything makes you feel uncomfortable, tell your partner right away. I read once in an article (by this great sex therapist) that if you have to actively think “Is this degrading? Should I be offended by this move/act?” then it probably isn’t. Don’t think so hard about these kinds of things that it takes away from the fun of the moment. As long as you’re comfortable, don’t be afraid to give something a try worrying about being politically correct. Because everyone wants to be politically correct in bed, obviously.

FALSE – Premarital sex is wrong and sinful.
I come from a very Catholic family. I get this a lot. But you know what? Jesus isn’t always right. Sex feels awesome. There’s no shame in wanting to feel physical pleasure with someone you like. It will not damn you or prevent any sort of future happiness or get you pregnant and ruin your life (if you take all the necessary precautions). It’s a natural act that I believe everyone should experience.

TRUE – Sex is good for you.
All the studies prove it. Sex releases chemicals in the brain that de-stress and ease the body. Men with heart problems show signs of perfectly normal health the moments directly after sex. If you do it vigorously enough (for lack of a better adjective, oh baby), it’s a great form of exercise. Sex is fun, it’s pretty great, I don’t know what else to say.

It’s kind of late and I can’t really think of anything else, but I hope I can help someone somewhere. I hope I can answer any questions about sex that weren’t here (which is a lot).

When I have a child I should just show them this post to prevent an awkward sex talk. Or show them this… I should be an FLE teacher. I may not know exactly what a blastocyst is (the only ‘medical’ term I remember from FLE because it sounds like a Pokemon), and I may laugh at the word “testicles”, but I’d speak openly and honestly to my students.

The bottom line: As long as you’re comfortable, and as long as you’re not being pressured, don’t worry about your family’s or society’s beliefs. Do what you feel is right when you feel it’s right. As long as you believe you’re ready and you genuinely want to, then go for it.

I said a bang, bang, bangity bang I said a bang bang bangity bang.

The Difference Between Vanilla and Honey

**TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual Abuse**

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while, but I kept getting side-tracked. Now that I have a paper due tomorrow, I figured now’s as good a time as any.

Vanilla is sweet. It’s gentle but obvious, and it’s pleasing without being overbearing on the tongue. It’s plain but can be used to make all sorts of great things (chocolate and red velvet both have healthy doses of vanilla). It can be used in many different ways and compliments whatever it goes with: it accentuates other flavors without overpowering them.

Honey is very strong. It’s thick and hard to swallow. It’s got this strange sweet-yet-somehow-also-sour taste. It’s sticky and gets caught in your throat, and it’s a bitch to get out of your teeth sometimes. It takes a long time to wipe away, and it often gets stuck on whatever you try to clean it with.


Ryder, opening his heart to the unfavorable environment.

In the Glee episode from a week or two ago, things got intense. In the heat of the moment, Ryder revealed something that he never spoke of up to that point: He was molested by his babysitter when he was 11. He claimed that she had come into his shower one night and started playing with him. You could see on his face that he was embarrassed and devastated. The teacher offered to report her, then Ryder said that she had already been arrested for doing it to someone else. All the girls were horrified, but the men?

“I’d have killed for that!”
“Why is that a crime?”
“That’s hot!”

Ryder was obviously upset, but the insensitive comments from his friends made him close whatever box he decided to open, and probably hide it somewhere deep inside having his fears come true. The box opened, and monsters came out.

Consensual intimacy is fabulous. If it’s wanted, and it’s with someone you care about, then it’s great. You’re in control of the moment, and you’re free to do what you will. You’re in control of your body: you can speed things up, slow them down, mix things up, or if need be, stop it. Sweet, sweet, vanilla.

Non-consensual intimacy is not fabulous. It’s rough and painful — yes, painful. It’s like having a monster crawl all over your body. It’s like having little critters crawl all over you, and it fills you with shivers and chills. Once it’s over, it’s not. The memories don’t fade — they never fade — and sometimes it’s hard to be intimate with someone else. It’s like your body is haunted and you don’t want anyone near it. Slow, painful, lingering honey.

After hearing his friend’s comments, Ryder understood the position he was in. He put on a smile, stood up, high-fived his friends, and left. That was the end of that. Never mentioned again, not even a PSA at the end with an emergency hotline number.

I saw lots of commentary after the episode. Some were saying that it was horrible and that the reaction would’ve been completely different if it was one of the girls. Others said that it was a “good” ending because it was realistic — that’s what happens to actual victims: they keep it inside, and even if they speak up it doesn’t mean there’s anything anyone can do.

This upset me.

Story time:

I’ve been molested. Repeatedly. By a family member. It was mostly when I was young (8-12 years old). I didn’t understand what was happening back then, but I knew it was wrong. But I was also too scared to speak up. There was always this fear of getting in trouble, or no one caring, or them caring too much and I ruin the family. The fear never leaves.

When I was 13, I was asked on a date for the first time. After the boy — very nice, a good friend — asked the question, I hated him. I hated him so much. I wanted him nowhere near me, because I didn’t trust him. I didn’t want him thinking about me or looking at me, or touching me. This pattern continued for the next handful of gentleman callers.

When I get intimate, there are always times when his face turns into his face. When his hands turn into his hands. There are moments when I can’t do it.

Though it was “realistic,” it wasn’t the ending I wanted. It’s fiction, for Christ’s sake. They’re supposed to make a happy ending: that’s what we watch for. The ending only reinforced this feeling of helplessness that I’ve been carrying in my heart for so many years, and that I will continue to carry for the rest of my life.

For the U.S.:

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1−800−799−7233

Like Ryder, I swore to myself that I would never speak of this. I lasted 6 years without saying a word. I’ve called all of these hotline before. It doesn’t sound like much, but sometimes all you need to do is talk. It’s a lot easier to talk about this with someone you don’t know.

You are not alone.