If anyone’s seen the movie Pitch Perfect, I thought of the title of this post the way Bumper sang it during the riff-off… Okay then.
One problem has been bothering me for a very long time:
“If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs, who will eat it.”
“Don’t have sex, you will get pregnant and die.”
Well those weren’t very good examples from Family Guy or Mean Girls, but you get the idea. Schools (and ((religious)) society in general) are purposely trying to scare kids (adolescents), or feed them lies, to prevent them from having [premarital] sex.
Let me say this: It won’t work. With sex being so over-glorified in every form of media, and being open with your sex life is almost encouraged in this day and age, there’s no way to stop kids that want to.
Here’s what happened at my friend’s school:
During their Family Life Education unit, their teacher asked for a volunteer. A girl was called up, and the teacher put a ring on the traditional wedding finger. The teacher said, “Many of you want to get married right? If you have premarital sex, here’s what will happen.” And she took the ring off, heavily implying that premarital sex will prevent future marriage, also implying that you will become “tainted” and “impure”. The lady didn’t talk about contraception either. Apparently she just discussed how babies happen, and alternatives to sex. Contraceptives were mentioned, but not in detail.
Sigh. Luckily for me, my school isn’t that bad. We discussed the different kinds of contraceptives and they emphasized that if we’re going to have sex, to use protection. Of course they also emphasized that abstinence is the only fool proof method to prevent pregnancy and STI contraction, but you know, that’s just a fact.
Other school’s, like my friend’s, aren’t as fortunate. Schools and society are using scare tactics to try and prevent premarital sex, largely for religious reasons. (Though there are un-religious reasons, such as unwanted pregnancies.)
I’ll say this: Sex is great. It feels awesome. And contrary to popular belief, premarital sex won’t damn you to a life of misery and woe.
Reasons To Have Premarital Sex:
- It feels great
- You and your partner trust each other
- You are emotionally prepared
- You just want to (It’s natural, and there shall be no slut-shaming in a one-night stand my darlings)
Reasons NOT To Have Premarital Sex:
- You’re getting peer-pressured
- You think everyone else is doing it
- You think you’ll lose your significant other if you don’t
Now let me tell you some things about sex that the schools probably don’t mention *(things might get graphic):
FALSE – The Morning-After pill makes you feel like shit.
Yes, I had to take one. Accidents happen. I was beyond scared because I learned in school that it forced heavy bleeding for at least a week and it made all your worse symptoms hit you times 10. Well, none of that happened. I felt completely normal. I even called Planned Parenthood to make sure everything was okay, and they said that most women who take the pill experience little to no side-effects. I had spotting for 2 days, but besides that, I felt perfectly normal.
TRUE – Use a condom during sex. ALL types of sex.
Something that’s not really spoken about is anal sex. Up the butt. For some reason many teenagers think this is the way to stay abstinent/virginal? Dumbasses. Many believe that you don’t need a condom during anal sex, but you do. If you don’t really know your partner, there could still be STI contraction. But also, semen wasn’t designed to go up the butt, you know? The mixing of butt stuff and semen could lead to infection. Also, anything up the butt (not just a penis, I don’t know what you guys are into) could lead to tearing of the tissues in the anus, so lots of lube is always required for butt stuff. NOTE: Do NOT use anything other than lubricant as lubricant. Things like Vaseline or lotions make condoms less effective and were not designed for sexual purposes. STIs can also be contracted from oral sex. If you don’t really trust trust your partner, use some form of protection. If it’s a girl, consider using your fingers instead. If it’s a guy, use a condom instead. Flavored condoms were made specifically for that purpose. Be safe my friends.
TRUE – The first time hurts.
Maybe not for guys, but for ladies. To be honest, the first time kind of feels like having sand paper rubbed all up in your lady bit. After a while, the natural function of your lady bit will make you wet and ease things up, but yes, the first few times will come with a pinch. (It gets better.)
FALSE – One-night Stands are shameful and put you on slut status.
WHAT DID I SAY EARLIER? THERE WILL BE NO SLUT SHAMING. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sleeping with someone one time and not having anything to do with them later. Sure it doesn’t sound pretty, but there’s nothing wrong with it, okay? Sex is a natural thing. Sometimes you just need it. And if you don’t want to wait a couple months or a couple years to find Mr/Ms Right, then find some decent looking stranger that wants to bang you and have a completely protected night of fun. I see nothing shameful in it, as long as it takes place between two (or more, I don’t know how you get down) consenting parties.
TRUE – Abstinence is the only fool-proof method.
No one wants to contract an STI or have an unwanted pregnancy. There is no 100% method that will prevent either. Yes, condoms are only 98% effective. When you think that it means that they’re 2% ineffective, you could feel panic. But know that many, many, many people use condoms all the time and have been using them for years, and it hasn’t been a problem for most. If you’re really scared of pregnancy, consider combining condoms with a spermicide, or the birth-control pill. (NOTE: Avoid condoms with built-in spermicide because they’re less effective.) If absolutely worse comes to worse, there is the morning-after pill, but it’s very expensive (in the ballpark of $50-60) and should ONLY be used as an absolute last resort. It is by no means okay to use as a regular form of contraception because it f*cks up your hormones for like a month. There are also female condoms, etc etc. There are also tube-tying and tube-cutting, and vasectomies, but the primary target of this post is teenagers so I don’t think anyone will be needing those soon. Remember: Wrap it before you tap it.
FALSE – Crazy sex positions are demeaning and glorified by the porn industries.
There are a lot of moves such as facials, doggy-style, anal, etc that many claim to be for purely male pleasure and are meant to be unemotional — and degrading to the receiving partner. Newsflash: Some women take great pleasure from anal sex. And doggy-style (it just feels different). And all those other moves. Like I said earlier, as long as you’re COMFORTABLE and you CONSENT to the actions, then it’s okay. If anything makes you feel uncomfortable, tell your partner right away. I read once in an article (by this great sex therapist) that if you have to actively think “Is this degrading? Should I be offended by this move/act?” then it probably isn’t. Don’t think so hard about these kinds of things that it takes away from the fun of the moment. As long as you’re comfortable, don’t be afraid to give something a try worrying about being politically correct. Because everyone wants to be politically correct in bed, obviously.
FALSE – Premarital sex is wrong and sinful.
I come from a very Catholic family. I get this a lot. But you know what? Jesus isn’t always right. Sex feels awesome. There’s no shame in wanting to feel physical pleasure with someone you like. It will not damn you or prevent any sort of future happiness or get you pregnant and ruin your life (if you take all the necessary precautions). It’s a natural act that I believe everyone should experience.
TRUE – Sex is good for you.
All the studies prove it. Sex releases chemicals in the brain that de-stress and ease the body. Men with heart problems show signs of perfectly normal health the moments directly after sex. If you do it vigorously enough (for lack of a better adjective, oh baby), it’s a great form of exercise. Sex is fun, it’s pretty great, I don’t know what else to say.
It’s kind of late and I can’t really think of anything else, but I hope I can help someone somewhere. I hope I can answer any questions about sex that weren’t here (which is a lot).
When I have a child I should just show them this post to prevent an awkward sex talk. Or show them this… I should be an FLE teacher. I may not know exactly what a blastocyst is (the only ‘medical’ term I remember from FLE because it sounds like a Pokemon), and I may laugh at the word “testicles”, but I’d speak openly and honestly to my students.
The bottom line: As long as you’re comfortable, and as long as you’re not being pressured, don’t worry about your family’s or society’s beliefs. Do what you feel is right when you feel it’s right. As long as you believe you’re ready and you genuinely want to, then go for it.
I said a bang, bang, bangity bang I said a bang bang bangity bang.